Reality Check

Over the past few weeks, I have observed with keen interest the number of advocates suddenly springing up on the popular social media site, we all love to call Twitter.

Now as much as this is commendable, I cannot help but feel this is just like every other trend that occurs on twitter, the popular band wagon effect if you will.

Twitter being the virtual world it is, allows for everyone to develop an alter ego and appear to be genuinely concerned with various topics plaguing our society as we know it, and in this case am referring to domestic violence and rape.

For the whole of 2013, a day never went by and you would not see either a news report or newspaper headline informing us of yet another case of rape, domestic abuse, and child molestation.

These reports were read, and treated as news, the papers, blogs and various information websites had a field day, they got more hits than they could count, and they realized one thing, “this stuff sells” and thus they went all out to get more stories, not because they genuinely cared, but because if offered them the opportunity of constant viewer ship, I mean who doesn’t love a good story.

The blogs and online news papers weren’t the only ones who realized this, some individuals on twitter also realized this and thus decided to cash in on it, since it had become a hot topic, handles began springing up, and individuals who had not before now ever given a thought to this menace, suddenly became experts on the subject, tweeting day and night, about how “we all must rise up”, while sitting in their homes and eating doughnuts while watching their follower numbers swell by the minute.

Now a simple question needs to be asked, how many of these handles and their handlers have an idea of what domestic violence, rape and child abuse means?

How many have ever been in the same room with any of these victims?

The answer to that is simple, very very few, you could easily liken them to back seat drivers or those who play soccer on their couches, and wouldn’t know what a football was even if it hit them in the face.

They talk with so much authority on subjects they know nothing about, and at the end of the day pat themselves on the back for some false sense of achievement.

There are those who work in the physical, who put themselves on the line to ensure people get justice, to ensure lives are saved, to ensure children grow up in wonderful homes devoid of sexual and emotional abuse by making themselves available 24 hours a day to educate, and enlighten these children, the parents and the society at large.

We have people who constantly work daily with abused women in different shelters to help give them some semblance of a normal life.

We have people who get down and dirty to find rapists who destroy lives of individuals, and also endeavour to work with the victims, they sit, eat and talk with them, they help to counsel them, they ensure they receive the medical aid they require.

And at the end of it all, they do not congratulate themselves, no, they go home and ask themselves the simple question, why did this happen.

Advocacy is not a popularity contest, neither is it a means to gain notoriety, because while you brag about your so called accomplishments, what do the victims do?

Do we now use them and the cause as a means to an end?

You don’t have to like this piece, that not withstanding, there must be a reality check.

In closing I’ll leave you with these two foods for thought.

A mouse climbed on the back of an elephant to cross a narrow bridge, it was a shaky cross, but when they got across the mouse quickly said to the elephant, “WE” rocked that bridge.

In war not all soldiers fight, some lay in the trenches preserving their lives, but when war stories are told, they say “WE” gave them hell, and unfortunately no one takes a census of who shot how many bullets.

It’s time for a reality check.

Written By Arome Ameh (The Priest)

Posted by Arome Ameh (The Priest) From WordPress for Android

Men Raped By Women, Can A Man Be Raped?

men rapedThe headline jumped out at me from, and I clicked through fast: “3 Women in Zimbabwe Charged in Series of Sex Attacks on Men.”

My impulse to click was exactly the reaction CNN’s web team had targeted. But I read the article for a reason other than sexual curiosity. It was more a medical question: Can a woman really rape a man? What if he ejaculates? Is this rape?

The news story was this: Three women in their 20s were charged with raping 17 men in Zimbabwe and keeping their sperm in condoms for some sort of health-related ritual. (That logic is reason enough for the world to step up efforts to educate girls.) The young women apparently used drugs and raped the men at gunpoint. In regard to men raped by women, this is where the medical question popped into my head.

Can Men Come In A Stressful Situation?

We all know that a woman can certainly be raped while drugged and full of terror, but a man, well, a man has to sort of function to complete the task. But can he function on drugs or at gunpoint? I know men who can’t even pee if someone is watching.

Not convinced that a Google search would yield my answer, I decided to go to a real authority: my predominantly male Facebook page. There is a nice cross section of the male body (pun intended) among my 5,000 friends, so I knew they would have the answers. Not surprisingly, the comment stream was long. At the beginning, my male friends were as confused as I. Some dismissed the whole notion that this was a rape.

“Unless you are a straight man with dudes forcing sex on you, you can’t be raped,” said one. “You can’t rape the willing,” said another. More than a couple said they couldn’t comment because they were busy booking a ticket to Africa.

So, I brought up the drug and gunpoint thing again. Was ejaculation possible under such circumstances? The answers were mixed.

What Guys Think About Men Raped By Women

“If you’re scared and drugged, you’re not going to orgasm.”

“I don’t agree. If a man is stimulated, he would ejaculate regardless of ‘willing’ or not.”

“It’s not uncommon, since men produce sperm when intoxicated.”

Then came a true voice of wisdom. One of my Facebook friends teaches at a medical school and tells me this very question is sometimes on medical board exams. So here’s how the professor weighed in:

Ejaculation is a spinal level reflex; it can happen. I have seen it happen in people having seizures or read documented evidence that it happens during hanging too. It’s even a question asked on med boards often enough whether a tetraplegic can ejaculate. It’s my understanding that as long as the sympathetic nervous arc is intact, one can come. For erection it’s a parasympathetic one, and it’s influenced by the higher centers, i.e. erotic thoughts, etc.”

Thanks, Doc. In household language, he’s basically saying that an erection isn’t necessary to produce sperm. Got it.

Of course, the much more important question here isn’t medical; it’s criminal. Can a woman rape a man?  Yes. If someone does not agree to have sex with another and a sexual act is forced upon them, that is called rape. And it is clearly illegal, hopefully as much in Africa as in North America.

Editor’s Note: The quotes taken from Wendy Walsh’s Facebook page have been edited for clarity.

Sometimes In December

I know exactly what you are going to sayalady-in-the-shadow3
“Here they come again,with more tales of abuse”
“Boo Hoo,he hit me,so why don’t you just leave”

I won’t blame you for thinking the way you are thinking right now,because the thing is,all abuse stories always start the same way,you never see it coming,or you are too blind to realize you are in deep trouble.

Am sitting here,looking outside my window,I see people getting all excited about the Christmas holidays,buying presents,setting up the Christmas trees, making different dishes,the joy the season brings,but you see all that is lost on me,and I don’t think I’ll ever get the joyful feeling back.

Five years ago,I was left to die,left to burn in my own home,by my own husband,now ex anyway, funny story really, now that I think about it,I find it rather amusing,some men can be such babies,deadly babies anyway.

If he couldn’t have his way,then no one would have their way,I got pregnant,I put on some weight,he didn’t want that,he also complained, you sweat too much, you snore too much,you have an O dour  I got so worked up and stressed out,I eventually lost the baby.

After that it got worse,he accused me of being Obsessed with my figure,and I intentionally killed our baby,he said so many hurtful things,spiteful words,I gave him room to vent,maybe because I thought he wanted to get it out of his system,it was like trying to drain a python of its venom.

It was like being at sea,sometimes you get calm waters,other times without warning,you get a storm,but the tsunami was just about to make landfall.

12th of December 08,I was in the living room,with my ex husband,we were decorating the Christmas tree,lovely holiday music on the radio,he was jolly and being very nice,like Santa,the tree was looking great,suddenly he snuggled up beside me,and handed me a little wrapped box, I opened it and saw a baby pacifier, and on it the words “make me” was written, he had this suggestive smile on his lips,he stood up and offered me his hand, I took it and he pulled me close,he kissed me deeply,he suggested we go upstairs,but I held him back,I thought I had a better idea,well now thinking back,I should have just gone upstairs,but then forgive me if I wanted to spice up our relationship.

I suggested we wait till later,told him we could continue the decorations and flirt with each other, see I expected it would increase our sexual desire,I had read somewhere about that and wanted to practice it,remind me never to read magazines with the title “how to improve your sex life”. Without warning,he exploded,he went into a tirade of how selfish and heartless I was,of how I always rebuffed all his gestures,and that I intentionally didn’t want to get pregnant,he even suggested I wanted to run down to the store and get some pills,since I was all out and wanted to stall,I stared at him, shocked and badly hurt.

I opened my mouth,and that was when it happened,he punched me,and head butted me at the same time,I fell to the floor, he kicked me, and swore at me,his eyes were on fire, I stood up and tried to run,but feel back down,felt my rib crack, he threw ornaments at me, I tried to crawl but he kept kicking me, suddenly he jumped on me,and wrapped the Christmas light cords around my neck and he chocked me,I was running out of breath,my head was throbbing,suddenly he stopped,he got off me,he pulled up my dress and raped me,he swore at me the whole time,reminding me I was trash,and he would dispose of me,I felt filthy,it didn’t end there,I tried to get up,but he knocked me down again,and whipped me with the Christmas lights.

He pushed the Christmas tree on me,and that pined me down, a few minutes pass, and I smelled gasoline, he lit the tree on fire and walked out of the house,he left me to burn, the smoke was intense,I could actually smell my flesh burning, I couldn’t breath,so I closed my eyes and waited for my painful death, suddenly I heard the door smash down,someone pulled me out,I think I passed out,I woke up in the hospital.

Long story short,he tried to murder me,now you know why sometimes in December I don’t share the cheer and joyful glee.

Ornaments are meant to beautify the tree,not to hurt people
Christmas lights are meant to light up the tree,not to strangle people with
Christmas trees are meant to be a symbol,and not to be used as wood to roast human beings

My ex was caught,trying to kill himself,coward,he couldn’t even do that right.

I sit here with a half burnt body,and acute breathing issues,didn’t expect I’d last this long,maybe I’ll still come around to enjoying one more Christmas.

I tell this story not for humor or for attention,but for awareness,abuse is real,it happens all around us

Help someone today
Support those fighting it.

By Arome Ameh (The Priest)

What Lies Beneath


My name is Chizoba, a light skinned,well cultured, well educated and
gorgeous lady in my early 30’s.
Please listen to me as I tell my story.

Zizi as I was fondly called by family and close friends
was a happy-go-lucky girl with a good sense of style,
would party hard with friends and study hard for classes,
tests and all. truly very smart street-sharp but unknown to 
 my friends except Bianca, I was still a virgin.

It was a sunny afternoon, sometime in 2004, I was running
late for a lecture so I picked up my pen and notepad, ran off,
got a bike, and we were there in less than 10mins, I got
off the bike, checked for my money and found none. Too 
embarrassed for words but I had to do something fast before
the bike rider would. Tried to plead before a guy stepped in and
saved me from what would have been an unpleasant scene.

The guy- a very talland handsome guy- everything any
woman could ask for and more- physically. His voice was deep and soothing.

There I was still perplexed at my carelessness and
in search of words to express my appreciation, when Dozie
said ‘hello’, at that point, all I could do was smile sheepishly.
He smiled back at me, revealing the best set of dentition i had
seen. I thanked him and we exchanged numbers.

Dozie and I became good friends.

Days ran 
into weeks, and weeks into months, and we began dating.
He was temperamental and extremely possessive, but losing
my virginity to him wasn’t so difficult because for once, I was 
in love and mistook his possessiveness for love- he had hit me 
few times and raised his voice at me several other times, and somehow he convinced me it was always my fault.

My friends did not know about this. He would buy me gifts to make  
up. They liked him so much and thought he was perfect for me.

In 2005, Dozie and i graduated; he, an engineer and I, a banker.
Some months later we went for youth service, call it destiny or human intervention, or simply (I don’t know what 
he did) but we got posted to the same state. We still had fights 
from time to time but remained together. Both families knew 
about the relationship. His mum left when he was only 3, so he
grew up with his dad. My family liked him- my mum called him   
‘Zizi’s hubby’ and my dad and only brother (Ikenna) thought he 
was upwardly mobile. Luckily, he got a well paying job 3 months 
after youth service and we got married 8 months later. Bianca was
my maid of honour.

We lived in Lekki, and lacked nothing- he gave everything I needed, so I became nonchalant 
about getting a job besides, my husband asked me not to work until I  
was done having kids. Our marriage was somewhat ‘smooth’. Bianca 
always lamented about being an ‘unmarried’ banker and she never 
failed to remind me how blessed I was to be married. Things went on 
well until I got pregnant in 2008. Dozie started keeping late nights and 
came up with flimsy excuses for his actions. 

It was a warm Saturday,I had 
just finished with the chores and  was in the kitchen preparing Dozie’s 
favourite for lunch (poundo and nsala soup) while he was watching 
a movie. His phone rang by 1pm, just then, he came to the kitchen
to say he had to go somewhere briefly. I was very upset but kept my 
cool. He went upstairs, dressed up and drove off before I knew it.

The time was 9pm and my husband wasn’t back, so I decided to lock
up, go upstairs and quickly take a shower before he returned. I was 
done by 9.20pm but he wasn’t back yet. I mistakenly left my phone in 
the sitting room downstairs and had fallen asleep waiting for him in 
the room. I woke up by 1am and went downstairs. He was back home
drunk, but couldn’t get in because I locked up.

Apparently, he had been there for a while and because my phone was 
downstairs, I didn’t hear it ring, so he was furious. When I got the door, I  got the most painful slaps I had received all my life, he punched me, 
pulled me by my hair and dragged me upstairs screaming, ‘why did you
keep me out that long’? ‘what if I was been followed by armed robbers’? 
still pulling me. I was crying and begging him but he didn’t let me go, then 
some minutes later he suddenly left me and dropped on the bed like a log 
of wood, was quiet for a while, and began to snore some mins later. 

I was in so much pains, felt blood dripping down my legs… so I managed  
to drag myself downstairs to call Bianca. She was there by and took 
me to the hospital…         

By Priye Lawson

(Concluding Part Coming Up)

Posted by Arome Ameh (The Priest) From WordPress for Android

For Our Kids- Parents Pls Note



•Warn your daughter never to
sit on anyone’s laps no matter the
relationship,even uncles.

Avoid dressing your young girls in skimpy and body revealing outfits, remember you are not the only ones watching them.

•Avoid getting dressed in front of your child once he/she is 2years old. Learn to excuse yourself.

•If you have to hire a house-help, kindly take them for HIV screening to determine their status, properly interview them and make up your mind to treat them well.

•Never allow any adult refer to your newborn as ‘my wife’ or ‘my

•Avoid unnecessary familiarity
with the opposite sex and make sure you take care of your husband yourself so as not to lead him
into temptation.

•Whenever your child goes out to play with friends, make sure you look for a way to find out the kind of play they played together, as
young people sexually abuse
themselves now.

•Never force your child to visit any adult he/she is not comfortable with and also be observant if your child becomes fond of a particular adult.

•Once a very lively child suddenly becomes withdrawn, you might need to patiently ask a lot of questions.

•If you don’t teach your children about sex,the society will teach them the wrong values and most likely, in very hard ways.

•It’s always advisable you go
through any new material like cartoons you buy for them before they start seeing it themselves.

•Teach your 3year olds how to wash their private parts properly and warn them never to allow anyone, including you, touch those
areas. Remember, charity begins at home and with YOU.

•Blacklist all materials you think could threaten the sanity of your
child, that is,music, movies and musicians,and let them understand the value of standing out of the crowd.

•Once your child complains about a particular person, don’t keep
quiet about it. Take up the case and show you can always defend him/her!

 Pls,let’s be watchful on our kids.

By Tope Aigba

Originally Written By Praise Fowowe

Posted by Arome Ameh (The Priest) From WordPress for Android