An Abusers Excuse


Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.

Often men who have been emotionally neglected and abused as children by dominating mothers bond with assertive women, only to have their childhood feelings of being engulfed surface. While they could not ‘smash their mommy’ and still receive love, they find that they can engage in intimate violence with partners who respond to their acting out by trying harder to connect with them emotionally, hoping that the love offered in the present will heal the wounds of the past. If only one party in the relationship is working to create love, to create the space of emotional connection, the dominator model remains in place and the relationship just becomes a site for continuous power struggle.

This dear readers is an excuse by an abuser to abuse, very simple.


5 thoughts on “An Abusers Excuse

  1. Forty Two says:

    my friend i can help with that indeed

    Some Equality Please

    It starts really early, it starts in the school
    that is the first place, we`re exposed to the rule
    boys do not hit girls, it just is not done
    stand there and take it, or turn round and run
    and that is the kernel, the light of the fuse
    the very first green light, for a girl to abuse
    And then not much later, encouraged by her peers
    a boy will say something, she bursts out in tears
    to ascertain what occurred, people will never wait
    they just look at the couple, and him castigate
    what you have just witnessed, what has just begun
    is psychological abuse, lesson number one
    Lets look in the media, see what happens there
    seated in a restaurant, she scrapes back her chair
    she dose not say a word, just throws drink in his face
    then as she walks out, cheers greet his disgrace
    the people have no context, of who is right or wrong
    they all just assume, he is wrong all along
    She walks out a hero, all brimming with pride
    the lesson clear is, the world is on here side
    Could someone please take, a good look at Friends
    this goes on and on, this list never ends
    Joie is single, attractive, but incredibly dim
    making Joie look stupid, is the treatment for him
    ritual humiliation, describes relationships for Ross
    and Chandler knows, Monica will always be boss
    Lets examine Allan, in two and a half men
    complete castigation, again and again
    even after divorce, the message is clear
    It is all right for a girl, to make a boy live in fear
    this all needs to change, society must choose
    to stop making it normal, for girls to abuse
    so now you have read, and listened no doubt
    its over to you, this your chance to shout
    the next time you watch, a movie or show
    play reverse the gender, give that game a go
    I hope that with me, you will all agree
    for all I am asking, is for some equality

    Forty Two
     re post anywhere you like, but please leave my name intact at the bottom

  2. Forty Two says:

    as a male who has suffered over 20 years of domestic abuse i would ask just when are people going to open there eyes to the hidden hurt suffered by millions of men just like me trapped in a abusive relationship ?

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